Never anything as intense as this, especially the sexual/physical aspect

Still, I love + like my husband and am happy in my marriage and would not want to do anything to risk it, especially since we have a small child

Those were easy to deal with and I shrugged them off. I cannot remember attraction like this even from teenage years. I feel like I’m in new territory, helpless, and can’t deal with this at all.

I guess I’m lucky in the sense that nothing untoward, aside from a few maybe overtly flirty messages, has happened between me and this man. I don’t think he’s actually interested into going any further (not sure, though), and our contact is limited (think neighbors who cross paths once a week or so). So I don’t think anything is going to happen. But this feels entirely out of control. I know that if he *were* interested, and would show up on my doorstep, there’s absolutely no way I could say no. I do not even feel a deep emotional connection to the other guy, who is a good 20 years older and doesn’t really have anything in common with me. It’s purely physical (although he has been a good, helpful friend to me in the past year).

I assume that this is probably rooted somehow in that our marriage has become almost sexless since we had a kid 3 years ago. We were always kind of undersexed as a couple, which was OK with both of us (we talked about it openly). But somehow with this crush, my libido has surged and I’m ridiculously turned on all the time. It feels almost like a physical illness. Having sex with my husband, while nice, does not do anything, at all – I still crave the other guy. Same with masturbation.

So first of all: I have been in a very stable + happy relationship for 10+ years and have had a few crushes here and there

To make matters more complicated, I’m emotionally devastated by the fact that my crush did/does not reciprocate, and I have nobody I can talk to about this – obviously even my best friends would tell me, “are you crazy, how KanadalД± kadД±nlar AmerikalД±dan daha karД±ЕџД±k can you even think about starting a thing with another guy? You should be happy he didn’t want you.” I know that, but I’m still so upset about it. If I were single and lovesick, I think I could somehow get it out of my system and feel legitimately sorry for myself and kind of bounce back, but I feel like I’m stuck. I brought this on myself, I kind of deserve feeling bad for it. It’s so self-destructive but I see no way out of it.

Sorry this is so long. Have you been through this? What helped? I have spent the better part of the last year thinking/fantasizing about the other guy and I’m so exhausted. Hope me. Looking into therapy options, as well, but I don’t know if I can open up to anyone about the depth of this obsession and how it has taken over my life.

Absolutely yes to therapy. ASAP. And don’t settle for a just-OK therapist, look until you find someone who gets how much this is distressing you.

Your state, it may be said, is what writing poetry is for. Give it a try. posted by xaryts at 4:10 PM on [3 favorites]

I’ve had crushes when my kids were smaller. I think I was bored, perhaps overwhelmed, and became addicted to the fantasy. I didn’t know how to nurture or spice up my marriage, or I wasn’t willing to because I was distracted. I was insecure and I wanted my crush to desire me. I wanted to be desired by men in general. I am so thankful I never acted on a crush. My crushes never knew I was crushing.